threatened

It’s been nearly three weeks since I’ve been here and I haven’t written a word. I’ve thought about writing, I ’ve read about writingI’ve even opened up blank documents in text editors, hoping for words to come pouring fourth. So far, as you can tell, nothing…

So today I got antsy and brought my last $10 in the world with me to Starbucks. Sure I’m not supporting the small guy, but there are a few things you can always depend on when you come to the big box coffee chain:

1. Fairly decent public restrooms. As a letter carrier I learned that when you don’t always know when your next bathroom break will force itself upon you, Starbucks is always safe as far as indoor plumbing goes. And many of them have these sneaky backdoors so you can walk in, use the restroom, and slip out, all under the radar of the employees, who generally don’t mind the mailman slipping in for a free pee.

2. There’s always music. Although sometimes it’s way louder than it needs to be, all the starbucks I’ve been to have been very good about only playing authorized starbucks music. You don’t walk in there and get attacked by the silly top 40 station that plays its high rotation songs way too frequently.

3. I can’t find anything that tastes as good as an iced caramel macchiato. Something about the caramel sauce clumps that travel up the straw. Mmmm. I’ve tasted similar drinks, but as of this writing, nothing has come close. And while I’m on the subject of wonderful drinks from starbucks, I am saddened that the limited time offering of the mocha coconut frap has expired.

Right, I came here to write.

Last night we had our version of a fight, I think. Generally we get along very well. We talk and share and do our best to not get too grouchy with each other. He does an extraordinary job of dealing with my moods, which is good, because I can’t possibly be with someone who can’t deal with that.

But sometimes I think I disappoint him. He once said that we talked so much before, and that now I’m so quiet. I am, but back when we did all that talking we weren’t living together. I had a job and actual stories to tell. Now I have staying at home – with him, and he knows pretty much everything that goes on here, so for the most part I don’t have to tell him that stuff. But he also worries that I’m not happy. He either doesn’t understand or doesn’t believe the thing where I’ve not had a serious break like this in forever and that I enjoy it.

Am I quiet? Yeah, possibly. But everything is so different, and it’s probably just taking time for me to settlle into it all. Living with other people makes a lot of things hard for me. I have trouble writing when people are around. I mean, what do you tell the kids when they ask you what you’re doing? “Detailing my every thought for the internet world to read?” Then there would be more questions… I don’t want to have to explain myself, or justify anything. I’ve never had to. So I avoid the questions and you, fair reader, are left with nothing.

Friday evening we stopped at the gas station. We pull into a parking stall. A car pulls into the gas lane across from us. I see him glance in the direction of the car. Immediately he reacts. “We’re leaving,” and he pulls the car in reverse and speeds away.

So here I am, seeing his exgf sitting in her car while my fiance is having a fit of anger, or something. It wasn’t anger, I don’t think… More like a million emotions flying through his body at once, so much that he needs to leave and drives away, not even thinking about where he’s going. Worst. Sentence. Ever.

I’m threatened by this girl, yes. I believe him when he tells me that they could never be happy together. But then there are little things like this that sneak up on me. Seeing him react to her. Troubling. In our earlier converstaions (before we were together) he spoke really highly of her. It stings everytime I read those logs.

Of course there’s a reason they’re no longer together and I do know that she suffers from at least one personality defect that drives him insane. He now tries to be vague when he talks about her, likely because he knows I’m threatened by her and he doesn’t want to emphasize that for a long long time she meant a hell of a lot to him.

But it continues to bother me. They were together for nearly forever. She lives very close, still in the same condo they used to share. She even works near him. No, sorry… At the same place he does, though not in the same department. Feel my pain.

Will I get over this? Will getting married help? I think possibly it’s not the getting married that will do the trick, but the time. Because it’s all so new the insecurities still hover at a low altitude. Eventually they learn to fly higer, maybe even so high they will be above the clouds, undetectable. Maybe.

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