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Under the Wire
December 9th, 2004
As usual, 15 minutes before the stroke of midnight…
Well the weather outside truly *is* frightful here. According to the intarweb we are currently at -24C. For those of you who only think in Imperial, that’s -11F. BELOW 0, even in fahrenheit! I didn’t know that was possible. I mean sure you hear about it – in places like Antarctica – but never in places where people actually live. Where there are cities and highways and people need to get around. But true to my optimist ways, I am making a point of learning things from this crazy coldness that makes me wonder what the heck I was thinking when I decided to move up to the frozen north. And now I bring you – lessons jhb has learned in the snow.
1. My head is shaped funny. This one was a toss up between “wear a hat” and “my head is shaped funny.” They go hand in hand and really I couldn’t decide which was more important. Apparently dad was right all those times he told me to keep my head warm. Of course I don’t know what kind of good the warm head does back in Hawai`i, where it doesn’t get all that cold, but I’m sure his intentions were good. Here where the permafrost is thick, a hat really does help.
The shape of my head, however, does not help. I have trouble getting the hats to stay on top of my ears. They (the hats, not the ears) seem to wriggle their way up above my ears. If you tell me to try a bigger hat I will shoot you. And your eye, kid. My head is not big! I never thought it was big. I mean, I’m not really a small girl, but surely my head is normal-sized. I could pull the hat down lower, but then it covers my eyes. Eyes are important, especially in the snow.
Which brings me to ski masks. Ski masks, they aren’t just for bankrobbers anymore. I’m starting to think they are the perfect device for the person with a funny-shaped head like mine. When walking in the city I now know enough to not freak out everytime I see a man with a skimas on. (Added Dec 11, 11:43PM – I have been informed by mnssrnh that there is a typo here. My response was that ’skimas’ is native for skimask. You knew that right?) Noses get cold. I get that now.
2. Jeans… I’ve learned that despite my previous misconception, jeans really are not all that warm. Sure they’re hot as all heck when you’re on the beach in Hawai`i. They are also pretty darn warm when you are delivering mail in Washington during your probation period, during which you are not given a uniform allowance.
But when it’s minus anything outside and you need to be out there for any length of time, they turn into frozen jeans. Cold. You really should be wearing more than one layer. That Rudy Huxtible, she knew how to dress for the winter.
3. And the last of my great lessons learned in the frozen freezing cold of Calgary is that there is a reason the dog pees on the deck, and that reason has nothing at all to do with the fact that she wants to piss you off. She knows damn well that it’s cold out there. She knows that I’m not stepping out there to accompany her to the authorized pee spot. She knows that even if she does pee on the deck, the chances that I will actually go find a jacket and walk out there to pick her up and plop her in the appropriate spot are slim to none. And she knows that the last thing she wants to do is be out there, squatting her furry butt down onto the snow. Thank God she hasn’t gotten the nerve to poop on the deck yet.
And did I say dog? You caught that, didn’t you. Technically she’s a foster dog, left here in October by my visiting mother in law. She lives like four hours from here, so we know she won’t come knocking on my door one day, saying “gimme back my dog” all people’s court-like.
