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There are things I miss.
October 7th, 2009
He made the oatmeal.
He made dinner.
He did the laundry. All of it.
He told me I was beautiful. Sometimes I believed him.
He brought me coffee. In bed. Every morning.
He loved me.
I moved out.
I don’t get sympathy because I’m the one who left. It makes people uncomfortable to know that because they don’t know what to do with it. If he’s clearly the bad guy we all know how to react, which shelf those feelings belong on. It would be so easy to just say “oh, girl, he’s a jerk. you can do so much better.” But when I correct them and say, “no, there’s nothing wrong with him, it was my decision,” there’s tension. And the face with the searching eyes, trying to figure out what exactly went wrong. I get the impression that there are two conclusions people come to: I cheated or I’m gay. My answers are never good enough to satisfy people, and honestly I don’t think I owe anyone else an explanation.
I get it. I know how quickly I judge a man who leaves his marriage. His kids and family. I know how that looks and how it would make me feel. I wouldn’t be knocking on his door to be his emotional support.
No one’s knocking on mine.
I can bellyache all I want. I can feel shitty and look for a shoulder to cry on, but the truth is that this is what I wanted and I walked out. It’s hard for people to feel empathy for me when what they want to say is “hey, isn’t this is what you wanted?”
It’s true. This is what I wanted. When I have an emotional response though, it’s not about the decision. I haven’t yet second guessed the decision. It’s about adjusting to the fallout. It’s about coming to terms with the fact that I have to vacuum my own damn carpet. I have to fold the laundry. I am going to have to make sacrifices if I want to go snowboarding. It’s a big change and even though I instigated it, I think I’m still entitled to be upset about it. I was married for five years. It’s going to take a little while.
test Filed under all about me, the Crazy | Comment (1)One Response to “There are things I miss.”
Take as much time as you need, mama. As much as I am on the other side of the coin, I also understand the adjustment, the fallout and the missing of all the lovely things that were.
You are not alone in this, regardless of who decided what. Your specific circumstances don’t invalidate or make any less important or real the feelings and things you are going through.