Children Are Not Dogs

June 15th, 2007

Not that I need a disclaimer, but here it goes: I am not telling you how to raise your kids OR your dogs. I’m just sharing an opinion. In a neutral space. I am not debating it on the messageboard where the conversation began, I think that might be confrontational and totally off topic. It’s important that we have opinions.

A friend of mine wrote an entry on her blog recently that was spurred by her own love her her child and her belief in the parenting style that she (and I) have chosen. She also included the phrase, “Children aren’t dogs,” which I believe was a reference to a post on a list that we both belong to… (EDITED: Steph didn’t make the remark in response to the discussion, like she says in the comments. And like I said, her entry was more to do with her beliefs wrt parenting our kids – where she *references* the remark. I, however AM using the term in direct response to the posting.)

I also feel strongly about this, but in a way that she didn’t cover: Dogs are animals.

And do we really think that a conversation on a parenting list about dog training isn’t going to result in differing opinions? Dog training is a personal decision – one that, like our parenting styles, we (those of us who care about training our dogs) have strong, passionate feelings about.

And this is my feeling: In case you missed it the first time – DOGS ARE ANIMALS. They are not humans with fur. They don’t reason the way we do. They don’t need to have ribbons in their hair, and I don’t believe that they think that wearing such ribbons make them pretty. I believe that dogs need to be told who is boss. They need a leader because they are pack animals. If you let the dog be the leader, you end up wih a dog who may listen part of the time or not at all.

I suppose it’s really how you look at it. Positive-only dog trainers might be into positive-only child rearing. Treats. Rewards. I’m not into treat-based training and believe that it doesn’t do anything helpful but get the dog to do things for treats. If the dog isn’t hungry, you won’t get results. For similar reasons, Alfie Kohn, who wrote “Unconditional Parenting,” believes that rewards and praise are counter productive. The difference is that my child has reasoning skills. He knows that I don’t want him to bite me because it hurts me. (Okay, he can’t reason this NOW, but one day he will be able to.) The child will also be able to reason against the right choice: If the punishment for not putting the dishes away is having to do dishes for a week, and the child wants to be lazy NOW, he will reason that dishes later aren’t so bad. My dog, on the other hand knows not to bite simply because that’s the rule. She knows not to pull on the leash when we walk because I am the leader and will forcefully show her so if she were to pull ahead of me and try and challenge my position as leader.

I can’t yank on my child’s chain. I can’t just tell my child “I’m the leader. You follow,” and expect for it to work.

And as I wrote this, a new entry hit dooce. This is exactly why I’m not into treat based child rearing.

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Dog Class, or An Excuse to Keep Me From Watching the Last Gilmore Girls Until AFTER It Is Finished Recording So I Can Fast Forward Through the Commercials

May 15th, 2007

I forgot to mention here that we signed up with our dog for dog training class. Missy is 2-1/2 now and we never took her to formal dog training. When we got her, I read everything I could find on the Internet. I read about housebreaking and leash walking, prong collars, choke-chains, clickers, treats… I read all kinds of conflicting advice and came to my own conclusions: Rubbing the dog’s nose in her pee really isn’t productive. Crate training works. I’m not sure if the idea that puppy pads are bad if you are planning on eventually getting the dog to go pee and poop outside is actual proven fact, but we skipped the puppy pads. Being that I was stuck in immigrations purgatory when we got her, I had plenty of time to *carry* her down the stairs of the deck instead of watch her pee on a rectangular diaper.

And so I figured I also had plenty of time to do clicker training with her. And just so you doubters know, it worked totally well. Except for one thing that bothered Jim. And my mother, who thought it was kind of lame – I used “positive” training. So she displays a behavior that I’m trying to get her to do, I click to mark my pleasure with the behavior, and then I treat her. She bites me and I just don’t click or treat. Not that she ever bit me. I’m exaggerating so you understand that there was *only* praise in this particular school of training. No correction. Eventually I became inconsistent, and really how do you expect to get your husband to use only positive feedback when he’s making a valid point that she needs to be corrected when she does something we don’t want her to do?

So it’s not that she’s a bad dog – for the most part she’s good. But she could be better. I don’t really feel comfortable taking her to the off leash park when it’s just her and Jonah and I. If I have to chase after her, or restrain her, it’s too hard with the baby. She likes to put on her vicious face and the mohawk on her back sticks up, and I’m so scared she’s going to eat one of those poor rat dogs that she lives to go after. She also doesn’t walk nicely on a leash. She walks *okay* – where she won’t pull your entire arm off… And by the time you’ve walked a mile or so, she’s walking really nicely. But those first few steps out the door are such a nightmare for me that again, when it’s just Jonah and I, I refuse to do it. Or I will do it, but only around the block. I’ll walk her around the block, come back to drop her at the house, and finish a real walk with Jonah. So much easier!

So anyhow, when we were in Hawaii over Christmas, Missy was a guest at a friend’s house. A friend who had a polite and well-behaved dog. So I asked this friend about dog training and she told me about this great class they took. So I signed us up.

Tonight was our first class and already we’re doing better. We’ve been able to clearly communicate to her that we are the leader on a leash walk. We’re working to get her to pay attention to our cues – instead of letting her decide everything. She’s been walking on a loose leash all night. She even jogged through the slalom of posts that went around the parking lot at the park, only getting hung up a couple of times. We all had so much fun – even Missy. Even Connor and Jonah. In fact, Jonah was asleep by the time we got home. He was so worn out, he was asleep through the diaper change. Jim didn’t even get to read him a bedtime story.

We can’t wait for our next session on Thursday. Homework this week: No sounds aimed at the dog. In other words – no talking to the dog. We’re already having trouble. I have to ask myself if it’s okay to talk to Jonah before I say anything to him. It’s so normal for us to talk to her all day. I’m sure this is good for us, but what a challenge!

It’s now after 9. I am going to watch the last ever Gilmore Girls. Boy do I hope it’s one of those flash forward finales, where we get to see where Lorelai and Rory are in five years. I am so not going to talk about the disappointment that was the last Seventh Heaven.